Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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