my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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