Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
