if you like me you must not know who I am
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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