I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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