Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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