so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
