i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize