final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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