I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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