I just cut my nipple shaving
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
