I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
