I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
