Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
