Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
