Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
