Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
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i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
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Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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