Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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