I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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