why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
