yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
