he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
