tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
