The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
