I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
