new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
