just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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