So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
