tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
