There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
