I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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