hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You smell like stripper and shame
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
