I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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