I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
