Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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