ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Come see our sink grown plant.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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