I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
