Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Green mimosas i think yes
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
