3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
