I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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