I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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