she woke up with a sticky ear
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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