I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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