u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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