cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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