I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
