Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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