I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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