You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
