I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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