im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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