I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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