he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My liver is preforming stress tests.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
