At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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