I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So much Jack, so little girl.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
