When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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