Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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