They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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