why didn't you poke me back
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
