i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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