I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
