Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
