I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
